calling – Taylor’s Story

Everyone starts making resolutions around this time of year that can be anywhere from health, physical, spiritual,mental, financial, or even family related. I have done this many times myself. This year is just different for me. I have some goals that I would like to reach in my Biblical studying life, family, prayer time, financial, and even in my relationships. A new year doesn’t mean it’s the only time you can start working on a new you.

A few months ago I looked at myself after taking some family photos and was not happy with what I saw or felt. Zach kept encouraging me that I had so many surgeries and strokes that my body had been through. He told me I was beautiful and a testimony of God’s faithfulness to carry us through trials. When I looked at myself I didn’t see that. I saw a girl who had been through a lot and body was now weakened by the toll that had been put on it. On the inside my faith felt strong but my body felt so weak. Instead of encouraging myself I had been tearing myself down by my own opinion of myself.

I started reading some Bible studies on strength. A lot of times we gauge strength on strictly physical aspects. In the last couple of months I wanted to start working on me. I want to be as strong as I can for my family. At my doctors appointment I told my OB that I wanted to work on my physical strength as well as lose a few pounds to help my body out. He agreed that it was a great idea and was ready to help me every step along the way. Due to having a hysterectomy and factor 5, I can’t be on hormone replacement medications…it makes things a bit complicated.

I have to go in multiple times a month for labs, vital signs, and visits with my doctor. My diet has been drastically adjusted as I am determined to better my overall health. Slowly, I’ve added some working out but really wanted to start hitting it harder and build some strength back up. I went through months of physical therapy and thankfully I had one of the best, Morgan McNeil. She showed me exercises that I have been able to implement in my everyday life. Now, I can confidently build upon those exercises.

You can be physically strong all day long, but spiritually weak inside. I want to have both strengths. God has really placed on my heart that if I surrender to Him every single aspect of my life He will help me be made strong. This doesn’t mean I will magically get in shape, lose weight, or be “fixed”. What it means is that I have to do my very best to work out my muscles spiritually and physically. My body can be like a body builder, but if my mind and heart are spiritually weak one health issue could break me.

In November my doctor, myself, and God began to work together. Have things gone perfectly smooth? NO! Health problems have continued, times of doubt, and the desire to give up have tried to creep in. My attitude hasn’t been positive everyday, but thankfully my husband and family have shown me grace in this time of growth.

There is a song that I have been listening to constantly to remind myself of all of these promises. It’s by Tasha Cobbs Leonard, entitled “Gracefully Broken”. I wanted to share the lyrics.

Take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God, all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire (c’mon sing)
Take all I have in these hands
And multiply, God (God), all that I am
And find my heart on the altar again
Set me on fire, set me on fire.

Here I am, God
Arms wide open
Pouring out my life
Gracefully broken

My heart stands in awe of Your name
Your mighty love stands strong to the end
You will fulfill Your purpose in me
You won’t forsake me, You will be with me

All to Jesus now
All to Jesus now
I’m holding nothing back
Holding nothing back
I surrender (I surrender). Your power at work in me
I’m broken gracefully, I’m strong when I am weak
I will be free, free indeed.

Surrender. That’s what hit me. I have to surrender it ALL to God in order to be free. Gracefully break me. I am not destroyed. God has gracefully broken me. His power is working in me because I refuse to hold anything back.

Today, I encourage you that if you are struggling in any area of your life that you study about surrendering it to God. Saying that you surrender it to Him doesn’t mean you’ve given it all up to Him. You have to step out and be willing to be broken if that’s what it takes. He will carry you through it the way He knows you need to be carried.

My testimony today is that I was strong enough to work out more with my kiddos this morning, my faith is stronger than it was, and I will be free of this weakness that has tried to destroy me. I’m so thankful that God has handled me with grace.

32 pounds lost since November. Thankful for God’s grace every single day.

My workout buddies. My why. My encouragement. My gifts.

This is real life. Ryan wanted to take my picture since I took their picture working out with me. Dog in the background and Riley working on something. It may be a crazy life but it’s sooo worth living!

Did I mention that my left arm and side was the one affected by my strokes? I was able to not only hold my weight up, but use a kettle ball weight. But God!!

Recently, my little family had a photo session with a fantastic photographer named Koli Nichols. We went out to her farm and the boys were in heaven. They cooperated far beyond my expectations. When we got the pictures back the lighting was perfect, the kids looked great, my hubs was as handsome as the day we got married, but when I looked at myself I was disgusted. Immediately, I began tearing my flaws apart. My face looks chubby, my smile is still slanted from my stroke and everyone is going to notice, I’m too overweight, and I just make the pictures look terrible. God has since convicted me. This walk has not been easy on my heart, soul, mind, or even my body. Zach was encouraging to me and reminded me of all of the things I have gone through and overcome. Somehow that still didn’t make me feel better.

I went to sleep the other night and woke up extremely early and couldn’t go back to sleep. As I laid there staring at my puppy laying in her bed, I picked up my phone. Instagram for the win. The very first post that came up was a sermon being preached and it was for me. You are enough. Those words so simple but life-changing. I know that I am not the only person that questions where and why God has me somewhere. The top question in youth ministry that we get is, “how do I figure out what God has called me to?” This sermon gave me an answer that truly has changed my perspective. You are called to be wherever God has placed you right now. At times we get confused as to why God has not spoken what our lives will hold in the future, because He is wanting us to focus on the now. You are enough to be used in this moment. Right now you may be called to your school, neighborhood, raising your children, teaching Sunday school, your job, or even to go out of your comfort zone and start a blog….that’s me! All of these things, no matter where you are at could be the path to finding your next calling, but we have to discern and listen. Surround yourselves with ones that will support you not distract you. The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy and he will use anyone that allows him. We need ones to pray for us, remind us that we are enough, and be willing to fight with us to overcome obstacles that come our way.

When I first looked at this picture of my boys and I, the thoughts were negative and I felt like I truly was not enough. Today, I look at this picture and see two beautiful testimonies in my lap that were never supposed to be alive, I see a woman whose body has fought many battles over the last two years, and I see a mother who is doing her very best to lead her children as a Godly example. I am enough. The calling God has placed before me I will follow. I am enough to be a wife, mother, sister, daughter, youth pastor’s wife, friend, and instrument for God to use however He chooses. I hope that this encourages someone that may be struggling with knowing why you are where you are. You are enough! God has placed you in this place for a purpose, I encourage you to walk in it with confidence. Do not get distracted by the storms you are experiencing. They do not change God’s power, protection, provision, or presence. He is showing you where to go and offering you shelters in the midst of the storms that this life brings. Now go and declare it with me, you are enough!